Today I feel like a failure and it is only 7:30am. I have been feeling like this for the whole week, riding on the coattails of my Penache Desai self-love high. It's not that I hate myself, I just realize that by Western society's standards I'm a complete failure. Here are the reasons I am a failure:
1. I don't have a passport and have not traveled around the world.
2. I don't have a college degree.
3. I don't have a 'real' job in which I get paid real money.
4. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore.
5. I have nothing to show for 24 years of life except crazy experiences.
6. I can't keep a relationship for more than a couple of weeks.
7. I don't excel at anything in particular and have yet to find my secret, hidden talent.
8. I suck at being a human being.
9. I am still slightly overweight, despite years of living in vegetarian communities. I realize that this is due to my love of sweets and a voracious appetite.
10. I can't seem to make it to morning yoga on a regular basis. In fact, I don't even think I've been to morning yoga once this year, only evening yoga.
11. I'm slowly sinking into debt every moment that I live.
12. I don't have a home. I live in a tent. I love it, but others view it as inappropriate.
I can't think of any other self-abusive things to write at the moment because I thought of several reasons why I'm happier than ever (albeit stressed about money):
1. I live in a tent, outside, in the woods, with nature.
2. I have 200+ really amazing friends who are part of my soul family.
3. Today I get to spend four hours with a toddler building sand castles on the beach.
4. Tonight I get to work Campus Support, which I love.
5. Until October 15 I have a place to live and food, as long as I keep working here.
6. I've seen more of the United States than most people who grew up in this country.
7. I got to meet Wavy Gravy!
So I couldn't think of an equal amount of positive things to balance the shitty feelings I'm having about myself lately, but at least I found half as many. I feel like I wouldn't be so miserable if I stopped comparing my life to other people's and thinking I need to do what my friends and family back in Ohio have done or are doing with their lives. Ohio is cursed. I hope it explodes so I can stop worrying about it. There it is. Raw and un-edited, how I feel right now.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Stupid Hippy Magic
My Omega twin sister Wetsy is going to be coming back to campus in a few days after a year-long adventure in the Bay Area. During her time on the West Coast she formed a band, made a CD, increased her empire of absurdity a hundredfold and acquired many stuffed ponies. Now she will be returning to give Freaksha blessings to everyone on campus. Supposedly there will be a Bingeing with the Buddha season 2 as well.
I have been floating the last few weeks, which has allowed me to see how many different departments on campus function. So far Production and Cafe are my favorite. I'm working in Cafe tonight, after I babysit a small child for a few hours. This is good because I will be getting paid for this. I will also be watching the small child tomorrow morning before work. Money is good. I need money.
I'm planning on applying to Warren Wilson college for the Spring 2012 semester but I'm not getting my hopes up since I usually fail at anything that involves college. Something always goes wrong, and I'm not even going to fall into the trap of believing that things go wrong because I manifest wrongness. I'm just cursed, or not meant to have a higher education. Speaking of being cursed, I've been really moody lately, mostly due to the early arrival of my moon. Also due to the fact that I feel like my life is worthless and I haven't done anything with it. Beverly wants to give me some sort of counseling session about my future path and career in life, but I don't think it will give me any information, since such counsel never has helped me in the past. The other night I asked Marcy what career path I should take and she drew some tarot cards and came to the conclusion that I shouldn't worry about it because whatever I do will be okay. That doesn't help me, since I need to make money, as we discussed before I need money, money is good. Stupid tarot cards. Stupid esoteric, spiritual bullshit. If I didn't believe in stupid hippy magic I wouldn't have so many problems in my life. Oh, I'm totally making that my new facebook status...
I have been floating the last few weeks, which has allowed me to see how many different departments on campus function. So far Production and Cafe are my favorite. I'm working in Cafe tonight, after I babysit a small child for a few hours. This is good because I will be getting paid for this. I will also be watching the small child tomorrow morning before work. Money is good. I need money.
I'm planning on applying to Warren Wilson college for the Spring 2012 semester but I'm not getting my hopes up since I usually fail at anything that involves college. Something always goes wrong, and I'm not even going to fall into the trap of believing that things go wrong because I manifest wrongness. I'm just cursed, or not meant to have a higher education. Speaking of being cursed, I've been really moody lately, mostly due to the early arrival of my moon. Also due to the fact that I feel like my life is worthless and I haven't done anything with it. Beverly wants to give me some sort of counseling session about my future path and career in life, but I don't think it will give me any information, since such counsel never has helped me in the past. The other night I asked Marcy what career path I should take and she drew some tarot cards and came to the conclusion that I shouldn't worry about it because whatever I do will be okay. That doesn't help me, since I need to make money, as we discussed before I need money, money is good. Stupid tarot cards. Stupid esoteric, spiritual bullshit. If I didn't believe in stupid hippy magic I wouldn't have so many problems in my life. Oh, I'm totally making that my new facebook status...
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Dangit...
Why am I sitting in the MediaWorks office at 2am updating my blog?? Today consisted of laughs and giraffes, and chillin' and Bob Dylan. Actually, none of those things happened. I did jump into someone's pool though. I don't know the owners, but I asked nicely and they said 'what the hell'. So, what the hell. It never hurts to ask for what you want in life.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
What if no one's watching? what if when we're dead we are just dead?
I've been trying to find info on the Flotilla 'Audacity of Hope' because one of my heroes, Alice Walker is on it. Actually, everyone who joins a flotilla is my hero.
My ear infection is almost gone, I could swallow pieces of toast without being in pain! It's so exciting to be able to eat like a normal person again. Serra and Will let me stay in their extra trailer with AC and a real bed. It was so nice, although I love living outside and sleeping on the earth.
Jasper leaves today so I'll be alone in my tent again :( but I'm planning on recruiting cuddle buddies (or kidnapping a baby bear, which might end in disaster, or kidnapping Carnita, my friend Renata's adorable kitty). Carnita is my inspiration for living right now.
Being sick really knocked me on my ass and kept me from obsessively watching Democracynow! and Aljazeera and such. I don't know if I want to know what's going on in the world. The safe bubble of Omz is always appealing, but my life is a life of service and if I don't know where my energy needs to be directed I end up...getting ear infections and chasing p-pants down the road and beating on their windows with my shoes.
Last night while in the ACed trailer I wrote a new song (hopefully soon to be released on my youtube channel) and played my new favorite song 'Breathe 2am' ("2am and she calls me cause I'm still awake, can you help me unravel my latest mistake; I don't love him, and winter just wasn't my season").
It's a beautiful, hot, sunny summer day out and I need to get outside and enjoy it to the fullest.
OHHHhhh, oHHHooh, AND....The last Harry Potter movie is coming out this Friday and Will, Serra and a bunch of us are going to the midnight showing.
Jester power invoked.
My ear infection is almost gone, I could swallow pieces of toast without being in pain! It's so exciting to be able to eat like a normal person again. Serra and Will let me stay in their extra trailer with AC and a real bed. It was so nice, although I love living outside and sleeping on the earth.
Jasper leaves today so I'll be alone in my tent again :( but I'm planning on recruiting cuddle buddies (or kidnapping a baby bear, which might end in disaster, or kidnapping Carnita, my friend Renata's adorable kitty). Carnita is my inspiration for living right now.
Being sick really knocked me on my ass and kept me from obsessively watching Democracynow! and Aljazeera and such. I don't know if I want to know what's going on in the world. The safe bubble of Omz is always appealing, but my life is a life of service and if I don't know where my energy needs to be directed I end up...getting ear infections and chasing p-pants down the road and beating on their windows with my shoes.
Last night while in the ACed trailer I wrote a new song (hopefully soon to be released on my youtube channel) and played my new favorite song 'Breathe 2am' ("2am and she calls me cause I'm still awake, can you help me unravel my latest mistake; I don't love him, and winter just wasn't my season").
It's a beautiful, hot, sunny summer day out and I need to get outside and enjoy it to the fullest.
OHHHhhh, oHHHooh, AND....The last Harry Potter movie is coming out this Friday and Will, Serra and a bunch of us are going to the midnight showing.
Jester power invoked.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Garlic Ear-Things that float-Time passes
Yet again I find myself lax in updating you on my life. Mostly this is because I feel i do the same things multiple times a week and it is not worth my mentioning them after a certain point. In fact, many interesting things have happened. I am now in the Float department at the Omz. Yesterday was my last day at the WLC. It was rather anti-climatic. I suppose I thought I'd be saving the world by working there, but in actuality I was just driving myself completely insane.
I've also been sick with a variety of mysterious illnesses in the past few weeks. At first I thought it was lyme disease because I was incredibly tired for about two weeks. It went away for about three days and then I started having sharp pain in my ear, which quickly turned into pain in my throat, which soon turned into both sides of my throat so swolen I couldn't swallow my own spit, open my mouth properly, speak easily, breathe at night, etc. Of course, since I have never had medical insurance in my life (I come from a working-class family, such things are quite the luxury), I just seem to continuously accrue medical debt that I can never pay off. It sickens me to think of the number of people who become so ill that they need serious treatments that they can't pay for, and so they end up bankrupt because of their need to pay these medical bills that are so incredibly exhorbitant.
My friend, who grew up in New Zealand, is visiting this week and she told me that in NZ you can visit the doctor for about $15 and that all perscriptions are filled for about $5. That sounded really excellent. Maybe someday the United State could have some sort of system like that? And then people wouldn't have to die with the guilt of not paying off their medical bills.
For now I am working on homeopathic treatments for what I believe is an ear infection. I am refusing to visit a doctor because A) I don't have the money, and B) There are people who literally DIE because they cannot afford something as simple as a trip to the doctor. I would rather die than pay the fucking corporate pigs their money. They can try to suck everyone else in this country dry, but my life is not important enough for me to lay down like an abused dog and let them beat me. I'm going to go out fighting.
MEDICAL CARE SHOULD BE AFFORDABLE FOR EVERY PERSON ALIVE.
Fuck all the bullshit.
Okay, crazy ranting done. Oh, I chased a p-pant down in a thunderstorm and beat the window of his fucking SUV with my shoe because he sped down Lake Dr. and soaked my friend with a wall of water. I yelled at him and used the F word and phrases that began with 'You DO NOT...' and 'EVER!!!'. It felt therapeutic.
Also, in other me-related news, I'm following the flotilla 'audacity of hope', on which one of my heroes, Alice Walker, is a passenger/activist.
Also, there is a small chunk of garlic in my ear right now because some homeopathic website said that this was a good idea. Sometimes I think my life would be novel-worthy, but then I remember that it really isn't.
I've also been sick with a variety of mysterious illnesses in the past few weeks. At first I thought it was lyme disease because I was incredibly tired for about two weeks. It went away for about three days and then I started having sharp pain in my ear, which quickly turned into pain in my throat, which soon turned into both sides of my throat so swolen I couldn't swallow my own spit, open my mouth properly, speak easily, breathe at night, etc. Of course, since I have never had medical insurance in my life (I come from a working-class family, such things are quite the luxury), I just seem to continuously accrue medical debt that I can never pay off. It sickens me to think of the number of people who become so ill that they need serious treatments that they can't pay for, and so they end up bankrupt because of their need to pay these medical bills that are so incredibly exhorbitant.
My friend, who grew up in New Zealand, is visiting this week and she told me that in NZ you can visit the doctor for about $15 and that all perscriptions are filled for about $5. That sounded really excellent. Maybe someday the United State could have some sort of system like that? And then people wouldn't have to die with the guilt of not paying off their medical bills.
For now I am working on homeopathic treatments for what I believe is an ear infection. I am refusing to visit a doctor because A) I don't have the money, and B) There are people who literally DIE because they cannot afford something as simple as a trip to the doctor. I would rather die than pay the fucking corporate pigs their money. They can try to suck everyone else in this country dry, but my life is not important enough for me to lay down like an abused dog and let them beat me. I'm going to go out fighting.
MEDICAL CARE SHOULD BE AFFORDABLE FOR EVERY PERSON ALIVE.
Fuck all the bullshit.
Okay, crazy ranting done. Oh, I chased a p-pant down in a thunderstorm and beat the window of his fucking SUV with my shoe because he sped down Lake Dr. and soaked my friend with a wall of water. I yelled at him and used the F word and phrases that began with 'You DO NOT...' and 'EVER!!!'. It felt therapeutic.
Also, in other me-related news, I'm following the flotilla 'audacity of hope', on which one of my heroes, Alice Walker, is a passenger/activist.
Also, there is a small chunk of garlic in my ear right now because some homeopathic website said that this was a good idea. Sometimes I think my life would be novel-worthy, but then I remember that it really isn't.
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